


A Short Story About Nothing

by MKK



Category: Seinfeld, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Comedy, F/M, Implied Relationships, Implied Sexual Content, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-15
Updated: 2014-11-15
Packaged: 2018-02-25 11:34:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,608
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2620298
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MKK/pseuds/MKK
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Garak and Odo enjoy breakfast while commenting on the events of their day.  Nothing, however, really happens - just like in "Seinfeld."  Not that there's anything wrong with that!  References about two dozen Seinfeld episodes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Short Story About Nothing

**Author's Note:**

> This was inspired by a much shorter piece I read a long, long time ago in which someone had the characters in Seinfeld discussing pon farr. I've been thinking for a while of how to turn it around into a DS9 conversation, and here it is. Knowing the Seinfeld references will make more sense of this, but either way, it's certainly not much of a plot. But I enjoy these little, silly pieces after working on long stories - I hope you do too!

Scene: Late morning. Elim Garak and Constable Odo are seated in the replimat enjoying breakfast together. Both are preoccupied with their own thoughts but attempt here and there to carry on a conversation.

"So... what's the deal with 'Klingon'?" Odo finally asks, breaking the silence.

"Klingon?"

"Yes - why does that word sound so terrible? I mean, you've got "kling," which is good, and "on," which is good..."

Garak nods in reluctant agreement.

"But then you put them together and you get - Klingon. Not good." He scowls.

Garak glares at him. "Can we please just change the subject?"

"Change the subject?" Odo repeats, offended. "Why would we need to change the subject? The subject is Klingons!" Garak shushes him. "And don't shush me!"

At that moment, Doctor Julian Bashir and Major Kira Nerys stroll past the replimat; both Garak and Odo swivel to watch them and then gaze at them intently until the two disappear from view.

"Lovely woman, that Major Kira," Garak mutters, turning to Odo. Odo nods. "And of course, there's Doctor Bashir, breathtaking as always..." He trails off into silence again and shifts uncomfortably in his chair. Odo does the same. "You know, Odo, I need to get back to my quarters - I, um, need to do something."

"You'll stay right here and finish your breakfast. Can't you go half a day without -"

"You're a fine one to talk - I've been told you 'write up a report' alone in your office after every one of the Major's visits."

"Tell you what." Odo doesn't deny it. "Let's have a contest. See how long we can go without - you know. The first one to give in loses."

Garak mulls this over. "Agreed. I accept your challenge. But how will we monitor each other?"

"We're two mature adults - I assume we can use the - honor system." Odo falls silent again - is he really going to hold Garak to the "honor system," in that or in anything?

"Did you hear the news about Vedek Bareil?" Garak asks, quickly changing the subject.

"Yes, that was a hell of a thing." They both nod and lapse into silence, reflecting.

"You know," Garak falters, "he's really not dead - not as long as we remember him."

"Oh, did you know him, Garak?' Odo asks, surprised.

"No. Not at all." Another silence. Just then, the preening, swaggering figure of Gul Dukat appears at the doorway - he spots the two and hurries over, grinning.

"Hello, Garak," he snarls sarcastically.

"Hello, Dukat," Garak answers, lips pulled back into a sneer, barely controlling his annoyance.

"I saw that handsome young Doctor Bashir just now on my way here."

"Did you?" Garak eyes him suspiciously.

"Oh yes. Fine officer, very attractive man. Not my taste, of course. At. All. Not that there's anything wrong with that." Garak and Odo both nod in agreement. "But I can see why you're so taken with him."

"That's none of your business, Dukat."

"You may want to reconsider, though. I also saw him yesterday, in the holosuite - swimming."

"So?"

"Let's just say there was... shrinkage."

"Shrinkage?"

"Significant shrinkage." He stares at Garak meaningfully. 

"You mean it - shrinks?" Garak is genuinely puzzled. Dukat sighs, shakes his head, and wanders back out.

Odo clears his throat, hiding a smile. "So, Garak - ah, how is... how is your therapy going?" 

Garak brightens. "Very well, thank you. My sessions are quite helpful. This claustrophobia is proving remarkably easy to cure. There's only one problem - I believe my therapist may be - interested - in me. At least, I'm picking up definite signals. He feels Doctor Bashir is just a boy and no threat to him."

Odo is shocked. "Garak, that's completely unethical!"

"Oh, not to worry. I may have - dated - him a few times in the past. But I put him off the scent - I told him that I had an older boyfriend now."

"You did? Who?" Odo is interested despite himself. "Not Dukat?"

"No. You."

"Me?!" 

"Yes, you. I had to think of something fast, Odo, so I told him we were in love. But, well... there's one little problem. He wants to talk to you. Alone."

"Me?! What for?"

"I don't know - he just said he wants to see you. I tried to talk him out of it, but..."

Odo considers this; it could, after all, be amusing. "Well, if I'm going to meet with him, I need to know more about us. Have we, ah, have we been... intimate?"

"Odo, how is that relevant?" Garak exclaims.

"Well, he's a therapist - he's going to want to know that kind of thing. How often would you say we -?"

"I don't know," Garak sighs, instantly regretting his admission. "I really don't know. But, I suppose... let's say, oh, five times a week."

"Five times a week?!" Odo gasps in amazement. "You and Bashir?!"

Garak, deeply embarrassed now, spots Quark striding rapidly past the replimat and again changes the subject. "Look at him run - must have something on his mind. I heard a customer burned himself in his bar a couple of nights ago, drinking hot raktajino."

"Isn't raktajino supposed to be hot?"

"Not that hot. He's facing a complaint now, possibly a lawsuit. Offered the victim a special Ferengi balm and all the raktajino he can drink - he'll probably reach a quick settlement."

Odo shakes his head. "Sometimes I'm amazed at what Quark can get away with. It almost makes me tempted to change my ways. Almost."

"How so?"

"Well, sometimes I think I'd be better off, every time I planned to do something, if I'd just do the opposite. It works for Quark - maybe it would make him easier to understand."

Garak smiles in agreement. "Routines are made to change, Odo. For example, I always meet the doctor _here_ for lunch, but today I'm going suggest the new restaurant on the second level."

"I heard the soup is delicious - very strict ordering procedures, though."

"Oh, I'm not worried about that. The bread they serve there makes up for it. Incomparable."

"Yes, so I've heard - would you do me a favor, Garak?" The Cardassian inclines his head. "Would you pick up a loaf for me when you're there? I need to bring something to Captain Sisko's birthday dinner tonight."

"I'd be happy to. What kind?"

"A marble rye. And maybe a big salad, if you don't mind. Oh, and there's something else I need to ask you too..."

"Yes?"

"Do you sell hosiery in your shop?"

"What type of hosiery? Silk stockings for Major Kira, perhaps?" Garak leers.

"No. Tube socks - white tube socks - as a gift for the captain. I hear he's very particular about them."

"I carry only the highest quality merchandise. If they're not satisfactory, tell him to stop by and I'll assist him with the exchange. Oh, and speaking of gifts..." Garak places a padd on the table. "Have a look at these, Constable."

"What are they?"

"Personal runabouts. I'm buying one as a surprise for my stepfather. My business has been doing very well lately, and I just thought it would be nice to impress him."

"Your shop must be doing very well indeed," Odo agrees, admiring the stylish vehicles. 

Just then, Garak spots Bashir re-entering the replimat and his eyes light up. "Doctor!" Bashir approaches their table. "I'm going to buy my stepfather a personal runabout - what do you think?"

Bashir whistles as he peruses the padd. "These look very expensive, Garak - I didn't realize you made so much money!"

"Oh, well... what can I say... Not doing too badly lately, I must admit." 

Bashir's eyes, too, light up then with interest. "I never realized... So when are you going to give this to him?"

"I'm taking a trip out to his retirement colony next week."

"Mind if I tag along, shmoopie?" 

Odo rolls his eyes.

"Tag along? Well, sure, you're always welcome, but... but what are you going to do out there?"

"Oh, I don't know. Just... hang out." Bashir gently traces his finger along Garak's arm.

"You want to hang out at El Arido Yermo, Phase Two?"

"Well, sure, shmoopie."

"No, you're shmoopie!" Garak smiles back.

"No, YOU'RE shmoopie!" Bashir playfully smacks his arm.

"You're BOTH shmoopie," Odo growls. "Can't you two discuss this later?" Bashir smiles, nods, and, after one more glance at Garak, heads over to the replicators. Odo sighs. "I wonder who's bringing the cake."

"The cake?"

"To the party. No one remembered it at Dax's party. So we all sat there like idiots without any cake."

"Oh, I'm sure it wasn't that bad," Garak chuckles. "If you like, I could bring the cake. Then you're sure to get some."

"Were you invited?"

"I thought I was... wasn't I? Didn't you ask Sisko if I could bring anything?"

Odo ponders. "I started to, and all he said was, 'Why would Garak bring anything?'"

Garak mulls this over. "Did he say it like this: 'Why would Garak BRING anything?'"

"No, it was more like 'Why would GARAK bring anything?'" Odo, noticing Garak's crestfallen expression, tries to cheer him up. "Oh, come on along anyway. I'm sure you'd be welcome. You can be in charge of the music." Garak brightens.

"And speaking of music... Odo, isn't that your song?" The shapeshifter says nothing, only stares off into space at the soothing melody coming over the speakers in the replimat. Garak taps his arm a few times to rouse him. "Odo! Odo! Wake up! We promised we'd stop at the O'Brien's this morning."

"We did? What for?" Odo slowly returns from his trance.

"We've got to see the baby!" The two friends rise and companionably leave the replimat together. Scene ends.


End file.
